It’s hard to be a Peter Lorre fan. There seems to be a universal agreement that Peter should always be described in the most repulsive, degrading manner possible, often with terminology that could have come straight out of an antisemitic pamphlet ("whining," "sniveling," "cringing," etc.)  It's not unusual for those who supposedly admire and respect Peter--even his fellow Jews--to insult the crap out of him. In his Weimar Berlin-era mystery “Shadow and Light”  Jonathan Rabb makes Peter introduce himself as “an ugly little Jew.”*  Leonard Wolf, in his "Horror: A Connoisseur's Guide to Literature and Film" describes Peter’s character in “Mad Love” this way: "Gogol's sepulchral voice, his absolute baldness and his pale, unhealthy plumpness make him seem like an erect larva who has been force-fed, bleached and then smeared in cold grease...in short, an altogether unappetizing figure of a man and for him to be in love with anyone, much less a woman as beautiful as Yvonne, seems something of a blasphemy.”**

This tendency to see Peter as some sort of untouchable mutant makes life very difficult for us lady fans. A few years ago a member of the Lorre family lurking on our online discussion group suddenly surfaced and lectured us on how offended she was by our "disrespectful" banter (which is no more or less gushy and lecherous than what goes on in any fan forum.) I tried to be as polite as possible, but I wanted to say, "Do you really want people to think of him as some sexless, unattractive freak? You've got his DNA, you know."

Anyway, if you like Peter, why not say nice things about him? Here is a suggested list of terms that are fresher, more accurate, and less infernally slagging.

To describe that most distinctive of Peter's features, his voice:

Instead of

"whining"

"nasal" (gevult!)

try

"piping"

"fluty"

"seductive"

"liltingly Viennese"

Referring to his eyes,

Instead of

"pop-eyed"

"bug-eyed"

"rolling"

"bulging"

"ping-pong balls"

"soft-boiled eggs"

"expothalmic"

try

"large"

"prominent"

"hypnotic"

"expressive"

"eloquent"

"appealing"

Instead of

"little"

"short"

"pipsqueak"

"diminutive"

"gnomish"

"troll-like"

"weaselly"

"timid"

"ingratiating"

"diffident"

try

"elegant"

"graceful"

"Continental"

"faunlike"

"Napoleonic"

"endearing"

Instead of

"scary"

"creepy"

"menacing"

"sinister"

try

"intriguing"

"mysterious"

"captivating"

"brilliant"

"irresistible"

"erotic"

"thrilling"

"luscious"

"fascinating"

"Freudian"

"unforgettable"

And of course

Instead of

"creep"

always use

“kreep”

*To see the full irony of this, look up Jonathan Rabb on Google Images.

**Wolf's daughter Naomi is the author of "The Beauty Myth."

(c) Anne Sharp. All rights reserved.

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Photoshop by Nancy Agli. Used with permission.